I had to take a break from blogging; I love writing but needed an internet break. And I’ve been dealing with some crippling depression. Then I got some devastating news concerning one of my best friends. It made me feel like my problems were not big. I’m doing much better now thankfully but it’s been a hard 2 months.
I ended therapy because my insurance ran out. It was bittersweet. I was so ready to apply what I learned and honestly going was a constant reminder of what I CAN’T do. But it’s also a place I’ve always gone during this recovery. People I’ve come to trust and respect but are not there to be my friend.
Then there’s the condo. I so desperately want to move home; it was my home for over 6 years but I spent two very uncomfortable weekends there. It had nothing to do with Kevin; he was amazing. I’m just not ready. A big part of it is separating being home with how I was pre-surgery. But I was there last weekend and had so much fun; part of it is us finding what is reasonable to get done. I even showered there! I know that doesn’t seem big but as someone who’s always showered in one place this is huge!
Everyone wants to help me but ultimately I need to help myself and I’m not there just yet. I wake up everyday wanting to get so much done but my energy level is a lot less and I just can’t do no where near how much I want. Accepting that is a big pill to swallow.
I’m in a big transition phase. We’ve discovered Botox shots to help my voice. It hurts like hell but makes a huge difference. And then there are my eyes. Something’s happening…and I’m really uncomfortable. I’m sensitive to light, have frequent eye strain. I see my eye surgeon next week.
Next week also marks two years. I just never thought this is how I’d start my thirties.
Still, this horrible feeling is teaching me to not shy away from the tough stuff. Anxiety comes through especially for the important things. I tend to view things as black or white when really something can seem “wrong” when in fact it can display some pretty big positives.
I know the holidays will be tough; not just for me but everyone as we deal with our new normal. Everyone just needs to find joy in the small things!
