I have my own beef with my surgeon (namely that he majorly downplayed my recovery) but I truly believe he got everything. Yea he maybe nicked the optic nerve hence my eye hell but I’m so grateful I haven’t had to do any ratiation.
Logic says my tumor was slow growing and we’d catch anything early. I think I’d know now if it’d be anything other than a clean scan but I doubt I’ll ever not go into an MRI scared. It doesn’t happen every time but I did get a headache and thought “tumor”. Because I’ve been healthy, downright lucky my whole life, this really shook my confidence.
It sort of…not upsets me, but the compliments sometimes don’t hold weight because what else was I going to do but persevere? I’m NOT fishing here, I know this would break some people, but not me. I’m like “ok this sucks. But it is what it is.” I may be disabled (I hate that term) but the location of my tumor didn’t affect my memories or who I am. Logan is a fighter, so watch out world.
Commonly there are 5 stages of grief so I thought I’d explore each:
Denial: I suppose sometimes I act like I’m “normal” but I never acted like this didn’t happen to me.
Anger: I experience anger a lot; why did this have to happen to me it’s not fair. But if this recovery has taught me only one thing it’s that everyone’s got problems. I may have this huge hurtle but I’m financially secure, my job’s waiting for me, Kevin’s taking care of my condo and my car, I eat well and have a roof over my head.
Bargaining: Sometimes I have the unhelpful inner dialogue “why did this happen to me? It’s not fair. I’m a good person. What did I do to deserve this?” These unfortunately are questions I’ll never know the answers to. A way I fall asleep from time to time is think about if I was approaching the current time without this recovery. I’m very thankful for my parents and Kevin but after caring for me they can run errands and he gets to go back to working. This is my life every waking moment.
Depression: I’ve never experienced crippling depression before this. It clouds your every thought and makes you think irrational things. I expect going back to work and eventually moving my therapies downtown will bring on bouts of depression. I’ve been really open that I see a therapist; I think everyone should talk to someone. Even if you’re really happy it’s still worth it to establish a relationship with someone. Pre-tumor, I was in the camp of internalizing everything and processing my problems myself. But a therapist is an impartial ear to listen and can offer really helpful tips for dealing with it/pearls of wisdom.
Acceptance: Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept this. Maybe if I reach how I was pre-surgery.
Ok I scheduled this post then added this. This recovery is slow. So slow. I can bitch until I’m blue in the face but that can’t change it. I’ve decided recently to just accept this and enjoy each day. It’s not worth stressing.
2 thoughts on “My Reflection”
Your insights are wise. You’ve been dealt a crappy hand, but you are making responsible, positive decisions. You have made so much progress-. It takes a strong woman, and that you are.
Thank you so much Laura. Your words mean a lot!