Checking In

This will be a long and heavy post, but I promise the rest of this week’s posts are much lighter!

I absolutely love to write. Sometimes I’m so thankful to have an outlet for this passion. Then other times, like last week, I just felt dread when I thought about putting together a post. A big part of that is since May I’ve been working closely with my doctor to slowly decrease and then get me off Xanax, something I’ve been on daily for over 2 years. I’m lucky that my dosage is quite small; 4 little step downs then I’m at zero. But I’m very sensitive and each decrease comes with increased anxiety and about a week of feeling more down after about 2 weeks after the decrease. Being on no drugs has always been extremely important to me though it comes with temporary side effects. I’m not saying this is 100% to blame but it is a big thing I’m dealing with right now.

I think I have pandemic fatigue; so much time is spent discussing vaccination choices, statistics and the unknown havoc this variant will bring. I just finished John Lewis’ book Carry On and he calls the pandemic a national humiliation. I couldn’t agree more. I haven’t just given up; quite the opposite I care a lot. But I’m not going to waste my energy trying to convince people to believe in science. I am confident that myself and my loved ones are being smart and safe and that’s enough.

I share this not to shame or pass judgement but just to share an observation. There are loads of individuals who have found a way to balance seriousness and lighter fare on social media. And maybe I’m incorrectly expecting social media to be more than a place to curate sharing a perfect picture of life. But a few weeks ago I posted pictures of me and Kevin attending a wedding. 75 likes. A day later I posted about a dear friend’s sick child. 10 likes. I know it feels weird to like something serious, but unfortunately Instagram has no alternative to show interaction and I also share to Facebook which has more appropriate reaction options.

One of the much liked photos. We do indeed look nice, but behind my smile I’m dealing with so much anxiety. Attending a wedding brings up many comparisons to attending a wedding pre-surgery.

Now, I too buy into the more artificial side of social media. I’m always taking photos for the ‘gram and I enjoy the validation from a comment. And just overall I do not respect anyone less for painting themselves in the best light online.

My point though is that I, like everyone, am a real person behind the screen full of pain and daily struggles along with the pretty times. It’s absolutely fine to be into social media, just make sure YOU are ok with the overall priorities in your life.

You can be angry at me, like “how dare she bring this up?” But if liking someone means only if they keep things light and positive….that’s absolutely not my jam. I’m nothing if not real which sometimes means sitting with uncomfortableness. I hope that by bringing this up it makes you check in with yourself.

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Author: loganmer

Chicago CPA. Passionate about many things; mildly OCD.

2 thoughts on “Checking In”

  1. Logan- you always keep it real. The issues you have dealt with over the last few years would be daunting to anyone. You handle the challenges with honesty and grace. Your determination is a kick in the ass to me when I’m wimping. ❤️

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